Things we said today.....

"Layby in the Snow"
Original watercolour
by
Glenn Marshall
For further details please follow this link

My mum will be 88 years old on the 1st January and when I'm with her we spend a lot of time reminiscing about the "good old days". Sadly, though inevitably, the vast majority of her peers are no longer with us. I am probably the last person alive who can provide her with a link to certain aspects of the past - these include precious memories of my father especially  the last ten very happy years they had together before he died.

Between them mum and dad constructed a greenhouse. When he could no longer be bothered with the effort of getting ready to go out, they  extended it by adding a wooden "lean to" that eventually evolved into the "den" complete with lights, heating and an assortment of old chairs and wooden benches. He could pass away the hours listening to the radio and watching his beloved dahlias grow.

Then one by one, his former drinking companions began to appear. They too appreciated a place where they could spend a day undisturbed, safe and well away from their wives!

They  smoked and eventually it killed all of them. But they were born into a different age when smoking was actively encouraged to calm your nerves. By the time they became aware of the dangers they all decided it was too late to stop and that any damage was already done - they were right - it was. My mum says that when she opened the door to take them a cuppa she was assailed by a cloud of tobacco smoke so it was no wonder that the tomatoes never did too well...though the dahlias positively flourished!

One day the discussion centered on the granting of wishes. 

Finally it was Joe's turn. "Well Joe, if you could do anything at all in  the world tomorrow, what would it be?". 

There was a silence and then through the smoke Joe replied simply, "Wake up!".

Brilliant answer and definitely one to remember.

Here's another one that I've always liked.

My wife Merice worked for a life assurance company and she teamed up with a guy named Nigel. Merice was (and still is) a very beautiful woman. Nigel was (and still is, I hope) a pretty sharp guy who was very good at figures..

So Merice, in a shortish skirt and all made up, would provide the charm (or distraction!) to prepare the way before Nigel took over and closed the deal.

They were a very successful team nicknamed 'Dempsey and Makepeace' by their colleagues.

Now you might be wondering how I felt about my glamorous wife spending time with such a sharp guy. Well apart from the fact that I never doubted Merice's fidelity - Nigel was ...well... a Nigel.

But he had his moments.

Driving home from visiting clients at their home, a car pulled out in front of them without any warning. Nigel had to slam all on to avoid hitting it. He eventually caught up with the offending vehicle at some traffic lights. Pulling alongside he wound the passenger window down and when the female driver did the same he inquired gently, "Excuse me love , do you know your indicators aren't working?"

She thanked him and pressed the indicator switch. "Oh but they are." she replied.                                   "Well ******* well use them!" he yelled before pulling away....nice one Nigel.

Finally a classic. Leaving a restaurant a waiter asked an acquaintance of mine "Hey man, you got tip?"

"Yes" he replied "Come to my house and I'll show you how to cook ******* steak!"

Don't mess with a Meanwood lad.